Mary Sue Snape and the Faulivander wand
by Lynae Rockwell
Summary: Mary Sue is perfectly ordinary. She doesn't excel at Magic, flying, or attracting hot guys, but for you, she'll do her best to try
1. Mary Sue gets a letter

Mary Sue and The Faullivander wand.  
  
When Mary Sue Snape was eleven, she lived in Massachusetts and went to a normal school and had lots and lots of friends. Mary Sue lived with her parents, George and Pussy Snape, in a nice big house that wasn't haunted. George was a corporate planner. Pussy was a new age chef. Nothing ever strange or exciting (except a boy band concert,) ever happened. Mary Sue was very happy. She didn't think things would change.  
Mary Sue had dishwater blonde hair. Her eyes were slate gray. They never changed color. In her free time, she liked to ride her bike. Was she a champion bike rider? Hell no. But she did have a mark on her arm from the time she fell off her bike into a puddle of mud. It wasn't special at all.  
The only odd thing that had ever happened in Mary Sue's life was once when she was seven she got mad because her laptop had crashed, so she went to light a soothing candle. When she reached towards it, it lit up! It never happened again. Mary Sue was sure it was some kind of trick of her mind.  
So the summer when Mary Sue was Eleven, she thought she would be going back to her regular school with all her friends as soon as it was over, and she was very excited for the yearly family rafting and camping trip, but then when she was sitting on her front porch reading the latest R.L.Stine, an owl swooped down and dropped a letter on her head. It was addressed to her. Mary Sue was confused. So she ate the letter. It was tasty. The end.  
  
HAHA fooled you. Mary Sue took the letter inside to show to her dad, who got all excited and called for Pussy, who also got excited, and they hugged Mary Sue and patted her on the back, and George called all the relatives, and Pussy went to the kitchen to make Mary Sue her favorite dish. "What's going on?" asked Mary Sue. "Oh you'll love it!" said Pussy from the kitchen. "George!" she yelled "Be sure to pack Mary's toothbrush!"  
"I thought we weren't leaving on the rafting trip for another three weeks," said Mary Sue.  
"Oh, no, dear, you're not going on the rafting trip," replied her mom.  
"I'm not?" asked Mary Sue with confusion and disappointment.  
"No, dear, you have to go to England to stay with your grandma, and you're going to have to leave right away."  
"Why do I have to go to England?"  
"you'll see. It will be a good experience."  
"When will I come back? I don't understand! Why can't I stay here? I'm supposed to go swimming with Jane on Friday!"  
"You'll just have to cancel, my dear."  
But poor Mary Sue was confused all the way to the Airport the next morning, and still confused when she arrived at Heathrow airport, where her stuffy Grandma had come to pick her up. "Aren't you a little tall to be eleven?" asked her Grandma.  
The next few weeks were terrible. Her grandma didn't like the way Mary Sue held her fork and knife. She didn't like how she brushed her teeth. Her grandma had a strange love for the occult. There were creepy things everywhere, stuffed birds, nasty looking books, boxes that were covered in dust and were forbidden to touch. Mary's Sue Grandma gave her a bunch of well-worn books entitled "charms for beginners." Mary Sue didn't understand what was so complex about Charm bracelets that they had to write a four hundred-page book about it, so she dumped the books in the corner and forgot about them.  
"Have you studied the books I gave you?" asked Grandma on the last day of August.  
"No, they looked boring. Can I go home soon? I think school started last week."  
"What are you talking about, Mary Sue? School starts tomorrow."  
"So I'm going home tomorrow?" asked Mary Sue with excitement.  
"No, you're going to school tomorrow." Mary Sue was confused.  
"Hogwarts is one of the most prestigious schools in the world. Your parents are extremely proud, as is the rest of the family. The first Wizard in three generations. I'm sure you will do splendidly. You might want to try on your uniform tonight."  
"UNIFORM????" Screamed Mary Sue. She ran to her room and cried her self to sleep. 


	2. Mary Sue makes new friends

Ch. 2  
The next morning, her grandma packed her books, and her clothes, and they drove to the train station. Mary Sue cried the whole way there. She cried as she fetched the cart so that they could push around her trunks. She cried as they passed through the barrier onto platform 9 ¾. Mary Sue didn't even notice she had walked through a wall, she was so distraught. Her Grandmother led her to the train, and found a carriage that held another girl who was also in tears. She kissed Mary Sue on the head while Mary screamed "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"  
"I need you to hold on to this box, Mary Sue, do not lose it or open it," instructed her grandmother. She then left.  
Mary Sue sat down on the seat and looked at the girl across from her. This girl was striking—thick black curls tumbled from her head down her shoulders, gently touching her age-inappropriate heaving bosom. Her eyes were bright crimson, dark and fiery. Her skin was pale, as if she had been cut from ivory stone. On her cheeks rested two perfect tears, as if there were placed there magically. She sniffed suggestively and said, "My name is Seryna Jisavore." Mary Sue sniffed back and said "Mary Sue Snape."  
"My parents made me attend Hogwarts against my will. I didn't want to leave my boyfriend, but my parents so disapproved of my love for a muggle that they sent me away," claimed Seryna, rather dramatically. Mary Sue thought to herself that if she found out that her daughter was dating a dog she would be sending her someplace that wasn't school. Then Mary Sue thought to herself that perhaps Hogwarts wasn't a school at all.  
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my parents didn't even tell me I was going to be going to school in England. I didn't even find out until yesterday." Seryna interrupted her. "I don't understand what I was doing wrong. I mean, so what if I screwed him in the confessional at church? They should be proud of how hot I am."  
At this, Mary Sue's fight or flight instincts started to kick in. The door opened, and a frumpy looking girl carrying a book that had to be two thousand pages long. She was wearing glasses that were about three inches thick, making her big blue eyes look like large bug eyes. "All the other carriages are full," she whispered, so quietly that Seryna and Mary Sue could barely hear her. "Can I sit in here with you?"  
"Of Course," said Seryna, who was glad to have another audience member to shock. "I was just showing Mary Sue my panty collection. My boyfriend just bought me these magical ones. They're edible!" Seryna then started sobbing again because she remembered that she would never ever seen her boyfriend again until Christmas.  
"I'm Mary Sue Snape. This is Seryna Jisavore."  
"My name is Lyna M. Lorna."  
Then Seryna started talking. She told them more about her boyfriend as the food cart went through, more than Mary Sue ever wanted to know. However, Lyna seemed curious, even though she was trying to hide it by burying her nose in her large book. Lyna bought copious amounts of candy from the cart, but Mary Sue didn't want to touch any of it. Further more, her abusive grandmother never gave her any money. Mary Sue was sure she was going to starve. Oh the Angst. Seryna told them how her family was connected to you-know-who, (Mary Sue: "who?") and that they were related to an ancient race of vampires, and her uncle had the cutest but most stupidest house elf, and Mary Sue was sure she was talking to a lunatic. "Why did my parents send me to a mental house, in England of all places? Now I know I'll never get back!" she exclaimed to Lyna when Seryna finally went off to take a dump. Lyna pushed up her glasses and said, "We're not going to a mental institution, and we are going to the finest wizarding school in the country. It was founded back in blah blah blah blah . . . . ." Mary Sue was about ready to give up and jump out the window when a very handsome boy with red hair came to the carriage and told them it was time to change into their uniforms and robes. There was something very cute about his sparkling brown eyes, the dirt that was on his nose for no good reason. Unfortunately, at that moment, Seryna was just returning. The boy caught one look at her and his eyes got very big. He suddenly became very pale, and then stumbled away mumbling "Seryna . . . sooooo beautiful . . .Seryna." Seryna didn't notice, but started talking again about how she hoped she would get into Slytherin, were all the cool kids are, because she didn't want to be the only girl in her class to wear black all the time. Mary Sue noticed that her entire uniform had been died black. "Wasn't that the point of dressing like that, so that you could be different from everybody else?" "What?" said Seryna with a stupid look on her face. She then changed the subject. Mary Sue stopped listening to her rambling, even though it continued constantly as the train pulled into the station, the first years got into little boats, and they finally arrived at a large castle, which fully convinced Mary Sue more than anything that her parents had sent her away because they thought she had lost it. 


	3. Mary Sue arrives at hogwarts

Ch. 3  
  
Sorting.  
  
Seryna, Lyna and Mary Sue entered the great hall. Mary Sue was glad the Lyna and Seryna had finally decided to shut up. After a few minutes, she wished that they would tell her what was going on, but they looked too nervous to be asked. Suddenly, a large voice started speaking. Mary Sue rubbed her eyes as she realized it was a hat in the middle of the room that was talking. She was shocked to see that no one else was perturbed by this.  
  
"For the past million years, I have spun lengthy poems before sorting. This year, however, I took a course in Asian poetry, so instead I have opted to make four haikus about the different houses. I hope you like the change.  
  
Hero Gryffindor  
Red yellow lion with brave  
Strong ability  
  
Cunning Slytherin  
Green Silver serpents with dark  
And loving friendships.  
  
Bookwarm Ravenclaw  
Color blue I think. Smarter  
Than teachers combined  
  
Loser Hufflepuff  
No need for colors. Just work  
To keep up. Please die.  
  
Then everyone started cheering, except for Hufflepuffs, who started planning their revenge. "I can't believe they're still harking on us for that retard like nine years ago. We can't help it if his parents made a donation," exclaimed a boy from Hufflepuff. Unfortunately he was preaching to the choir. The other houses didn't hear him. So began the sorting. Apely, Euluke," called the tall old, scary lady at the front. A timid girl stepped forward and was sorted into Ravenclaw. "Coholic, Al," and so forth. "Jizavore, Seryna," called the teacher. Seryna Stepped forward as the entire school turned to look at her. "Slytherin!" proclaimed the hat when she put it on her head. Slytherins cheered, and as she approached the table, several of the boys got wide-eyed and started mumbling her name. "Lorna, Lyna M." The hat pondered on her head for a moment, and then said "crap." He then pondered some more. "She can't be sorted!" he declared. "She's too intelligent and wormy for all the houses. I suggest she just live in the library." The entire school stared at her in shock. Lyna started to cry. This was really embarrassing. She knew that her imaginary boyfriend would laugh at her. Prof. McGonagall yelled at the hat to sort her or else. "Fine, put her in Hufflepuff, just to make them happy." The jaws of Hufflepuffs dropped out this, and the only one who said anything was the retard that yelled "TIMMY!" Four hours later, they finally got to "Snape, Mary Sue." Again the entire school stopped what they were chatting about (Oh my god, Tim Curry is sooooo hot.) and turned to see the person who shared the same name and presumably family background as the esteemed Potions master. Hermione Granger glanced at Prof. Snape to see how he was reacting. He saw her glance and said, "Bitch, please." "

"Hufflepuff," declared the hat. Mary Sue went to sit at the Hufflepuff table. "Maybe this is some sort of vocational school for magicians," thought Mary Sue as the other Hufflepuffs introduced themselves. The old man in the center of the table made a big speech about not going into the forbidden forest, and then suddenly, there was food on the plates in front of Mary Sue. Mary Sue usually didn't like to eat food that could appear if by magic, as she had had some bad experiences with McDonalds, but she was so hungry she didn't care, and the food was actually quite tasty, for English cooking. Seryna didn't touch anything. She declared that she wasn't hungry, and besides, she didn't eat food. It was too fattening.

That night, Seryna came to the Hufflepuff common room because she wanted all the Slytherins to think she was popular. "My friends from the train said they missed me so much, I have to visit them," she told her wide-eyed zombie boys. "They are soooo distraught that they didn't get into Slytherin with me. They're going to go talk to Dumbledore and see if they can get transferred. I'm sure he can fix it up in a jiffy, right?" The boys nodded their heads. Two shy girls agreed with her that off course it could be fixed. Pansy and Draco rolled their eyes and went to the library to start studying for important sixth years tests like C.A.T.S and R.A.T.S. and E.L.E.P.H.A.N.T.S. But as Draco was sitting in the library he couldn't help but think back on her strange eyes, her soft flowing hair, her really big boobies. In Mary Sue's bedroom, Mary Sue listened to Seryna go on and on about how wonderful Slytherin is and how she should try to get transferred from Hufflepuff. "Oh what's this it's so pretty!" she picked up the little box and opened it. Instantly an evil looking man with red eyes jumped out and started screaming. Seryna jumped onto the nearest chair, and screamed shrilly. Lyna casually looked up at the crisis, and yelled at Mary Sue to "DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR WAND!" "You mean the stick my grandmother gave me?" asked Mary Sue, as she picked up the long wooden wand. "YES, your wand, cast a spell or a jinx or something, hurry!" "You want me to do something with this stick? Like poke it? "Yes, Mary Sue, POKE IT WITH THE STICK!" Mary Sue started chasing the little screaming man in crouched position, finally cornering him under the bed, and with a few testy jabs, FOOOOOOOM! The man exploded. Mary Sue stood up, unaware that she had gotten black soot all over her face, and her hair, which was pushed back from her face by the explosion. "Well, I poked it with the stick. Was it supposed to explode?" Lyna sighed with exasperation. The prefect popped in, saw the mess, and without even asking, flicked her wand and said "No-more-burn-io!" and Mary Sue's hair and face were back to normal, as well as the bed curtains. "Practice your spells in the padded rooms down stairs please," instructed the prefect, and she took off.

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was once again surrounded by many books. Harry Potter came in with more books. "I found it!" proclaimed Hermione. She waved her wand at Ron, who was sitting across from her with his head tilted strangely and his eyes unfocused, and said "Margaret Thatcher on a Cold day-io," and Ron suddenly became conscious again. "Oh Thank God!" yelled Hermione, and she went to give Ron a hug, and then stopped, and then shook his hand. "Thanks Hermione, It's so nice to think about things that are not Seryna," said Ron. "Things like the big magic history paper due tomorrow? And the potions review test?" asked Harry, who was starting to panic about the two assignments because he was always behind on his homework. "No, actually I was thinking about thinking about . . ." Ron was interrupted by Hermione, who said "Let's start with the recent troll wars shall we? Now in 2000 Bush stole the American election." Harry and Ron both said "Seryna" at the same time, and tried to fake a dozed off state. "Stop it, you two, this is important!" said Hermione. "I'm not going to write your papers this time, I'm not!" Harry looked at her pleadingly. "I'm so busy angsting, please please please? I had to go do quidditch practice for ten hours in the rain, please please please?" "Okay, fine, here's a copy of my bibliography. It has the pages listed from the books that I used. I only used seven books. The books are on the table. So you look in the books for the information, and then you use the information to write the paper. Does that sound to complicated for you?" "Please please please write it for me?" "Not unlike a library resource center I just saved you five hours by telling you where to look. You only have to read 21 pages and summarize them into a two-page paper. Why is this so impossible? If you hadn't spent so much time whining about it and actually started on it you'd probably be finished by now. (Hint to students everywhere: Hermione has a point.) "Look, Harry, we will work on the paper together," said Ron. He looked up at Hermione. She gave him a big smile. He awkwardly smiled back.  
  
Ch. 4. first day of class  
  
We learn that Magicians and wizards and witches are different. We learn that sticks and wands are different. We learn how to make explosive chili We find out what exactly it is that Seryna eats.


	4. Mary Sue goes to class

The next morning, Mary Sue woke up, put on her uniform, and walked down to breakfast. Lyna was already there, hunched over another large book. Mary Sue took a seat next to her and took a bowl and a plate, and had some yummy oatmeal and strawberries and coffee. Suddenly a large flock of owls flew in, carrying packages and letters to be dropped on students. Some of the students weren't so good at catching, and one large package landed on Lyna's head. Mary Sue dived under the table for cover. "First years" muttered one Hufflepuff boy, as he opened up a letter. Mary Sue sat back down in her seat, to find a letter from her parents slowly sinking into her oatmeal. She opened it.  
  
Dear Mary Sue,  
We hope you had fun in London, and are enjoying your first day at school. Your father and I know you will grow up to be an excellent witch. Please write us back and tell us what house you were sorted into, classes you are taking, friends you are making, etc. -L. PS. Rafting was wonderful, wish you could have been with us!  
  
"Yeah, you know, I wanted to go rafting, too," thought Mary Sue. "When and where and what are my classes, Lyna?" she asked.  
"We have charms and then we have potions, then history of Magic."  
"Oh goody, Houdini."  
"No."  
"No? Houdini was a magician."  
Lyna put down her book, pushed up her glasses, and said "Do you really think that we will be taking classes everyday for the next seven years on Houdini?"  
"Some of those tricks are complicated."  
"If you don't get it into your head that this is a school for wizarding and witchcraft, not show parlor slight of hand, you will have real trouble come finals time." "Wait, I'm confused. Wizarding?"  
"Wizardcraft."  
"No, Lyna, that's not a word."  
"It's what Wizards do."  
"Wizards practice magic."  
"Oh and Witches don't?"  
It was at that point that Draco Malfoy passed by the table and commented to Pansy, "I thought that perhaps putting Prof. Snape's daughter into Hufflepuff was a mistake, but I guess the hat was right."  
Mary Sue got a little temperamental. "I'm not related to Prof. Snape!" she yelled. "And I can't believe you people are so obsessed with the ramblings of a stupid hat who can't even write a good Haiku."  
"Drink your coffee, Mary Sue, before you boil it with your head," instructed Lyna. Draco and Pansy laughed as they walked out the door. "She sure told you!" said Pansy sarcastically.  
"Come one Mary Sue, let's go to charms." So they went to the charms classroom, where everyone pulled out their sticks, "WANDS, Mary Sue, it's called a wand. Why didn't you bring yours?" said the professor, so Mary Sue had to run back to her room and get her wand, return and lo and behold, people were making their feathers levitate with their sticks. "Wand, Mary sue, lest I beat you with it," said Lyna. Every one, except, of course, Seryna, who was sucking suggestive at the end of her hand and staring at the hufflepuff across the classroom. "TIMMY!" yelled the Hufflepuff. The teacher ignored him.  
So Mary Sue gave it a shot. "Lift-o-feather-io!" she said. Nothing happened. She watched Lyna do a few times, and Lyna gave her a play by play of the simple procedure. Then Mary Sue tried again. Still nothing. "Perhaps it's because I have a stick and everybody else has a wand," said Mary Sue.  
"It's a wand, Mary Sue, they are all wands. Yours is a wand, mine is a wand, the teacher's is a wand, Seryna's is wand, even Timmy's is a wand. They are all wands."  
"But mine won't work."  
"Here." Lyna took Mary Sue's wand, swished it a few times, and sparks came out. "Sometimes with the cheaper ones you have to turn them on first."  
"Okay." Mary Sue tried again. "Lift-o-feather-io!" the feather started to burn. Mary Sue quickly pounded it out with her fist.  
"Did the wand work in the store? What's the core made from?" asked Lyna.  
"I don't know, my grandmother got this for me. I didn't even know this stick could . . that wands did . . . you know."  
"Let me see it again." Lyna took a close look at the bottom, the tip, the wood, and said "It looks fairly new, so it's not your grandma's old one. It says here "Faullivanders" made it. I don't know where that is."  
"Where's yours from?"  
"Ollivander's, that's were everybody usually gets their wand. Maybe Faullivanders is in America."  
"Maybe."  
"Try again, maybe you need more a poking movement like last night when we killed the little guy."  
Mary Sue tried again, "Lift-o-feather-io!" with a swished jab upward. KABLOOIEE! The feather exploded.  
"Okay, that's enough for today!" proclaimed the charms professor. Mary Sue wiped the soot from her face with a handkerchief and they headed off for the next class. The dreaded Prof. Snape held potions deep in the basement. It was a well- known fact he didn't like first-years and was very strict. "But some people think he's really hot!" went on Seryna in the never ending commentary that was her existence. "I'm so glad we can be a potion group together! It's going to be so much fun! Hey look, it's Ron the prefect!" Mary Sue stopped when she suddenly saw the beautiful brown eyes and charming red hair of Ron Weasely, as he and other six-years were just coming out of the potions lab. However, when Seryna ran up to him to talk, he suddenly went blank eyed again and mumbled her name, followed by "Gorgeous . . . captivating. . ."  
"Oh drat, not again!" said Hermione, "Harry, we have to find a spell that will block the zombiefication!"  
"I think we should try Sporks."  
"Harry, that's too violent. Think of all the things we could use this spell for if we could harness it."  
"You're just jealous."  
"Of what?"  
"Nobody," replied Harry, and they walked off to their next class, while dragging Ron, who muttered "Must ask her out on date . . . ."  
"First years!" announced Snape, "Please take a seat and put away your wands."  
"Not sticks," whispered Mary Sue to Lyna. Lyna smiled.  
"And no talking! I will not tolerate talking in class. First, I want you all to know that magic and potions are no different from math and science. You must study seriously, and you must put forth effort in order to pass this class. However, I want to encourage you as well. There's not one person here who couldn't pass this class, save Timmy who has never passed this class. You may struggle at times to figure out the answers, but they are always right in front of your nose. Does anyone know the secret to finding the answers?"  
Lyna raised her hand. Snape nodded.  
"Could it be looking past your nose?" The class sat in stunned silence. Mary Sue smiled. She had an English teacher who said the same thing with the same sarcasm. She could see, as Snape replied "Yes, that is correct," that he found the joke amusing too. She also guessed that that might be the one and only joke she would ever hear in class. "There's a college graduate in every group," said Snape with a hint of sarcasm. "Yes, I have a degree in music history and in biogenetics," continued Lyna. "Shut up," said Snape. Then he sighed. He went back to his desk, put his feet up, and picked up the newspaper. "Your assignment is on the board. Today we will be making Chili. The ingredients are in the cupboard, please try to keep it clean." Lyna raised her hand. "There's always one first year that has to know why," said Snape, as he scanned the front page. "For the first week I'm going to ease you into this process of following directions and learning, I have learned from past experience that it is helpful to not dive into complex concepts. Today I want to practice procedural processes and tomorrow we will cover some basic chemistry. On Wednesday, baring any setbacks, we will begin to use magic in the lab. From that point on, things will speed up quickly, so I suggest you enjoy this slow period before I start assigning the pre- and post-labs. Now get started on the cooking, the chili has to simmer for quite some time. Oh and there's a syllabus on my desk, you can pick them up when you're finished. The students picked up the ingredients and got to work on making the chili. It was actually a very good recipe, and Mary Sue enjoyed making it. Snape visited each table, and tasted and commented on each chili. A few of Slytherins had problems, however, when they tried to use magic to hurry up the process. The chili turned a sickening green, and the stench filled the lab. Snape rolled his eyes, cleared the chili away with a spell, and gave them a failing grade. "I put a spell on the recipe, so that it would spoil if any of you tried to use magic. It's a spell from an anti-cheating book that just came out and as you can see I've already found it quite effective. So I will probably be using spells like it in the future, just to give you fair warning." "He doesn't trust us at all!" said Seryna in a high voice. Her Chili looked watery. Mary Sue's was giving off a delightful odor of tomatoes and beans, which pleased her greatly. Lyna's however, was super chili, and perfect in everyway. "A plus for the pretentious college graduate," said Snape with a sneer. He didn't like to have to give out perfect grades. He felt it encouraged grade inflation. He tasted Mary Sue's, and gave an honest nod. "Should I add more chili powder to taste?" she asked. She thought it wasn't hot enough. "No," he replied. "The heat will come out as it simmers. All you have to do is follow the last instruction on the board, and I will give you a perfect score for this, since you followed directions so well. Do not however, think this means you can slack off. The procedures will get much more difficult in the coming week." Mary Sue breathed a sigh of relief. Snape then went to try Seryna's chili, and then made a strange face. He wasn't happy with it. "You didn't take as much care with the ingredients as your partners did. Perhaps you should spend more time with your mind open and your mouth closed. I'll give you half marks, that's more than you deserve." Seryna pouted and arched her back. Snape winced and blinked his eyes for a moment, and then calmly said, "That doesn't work on me." Mary Sue looked at the board. The last instruction read "wave your wand over the chili and say 'Abracadabra." "That's a magical word?" "Procedure practice," said Lyna. "Nothing's supposed to happen." Mary Sue picked up her wand, waved it over the bowl of chili. "Don't do the jabbing thing," instructed Lyna. Mary Sue rolled her eyes, and said the "magic" word. The chili exploded. Tomatoes and beans went everywhere. "Stupid stick," said Mary Sue with exasperation. "Stupid wand," said Lyna as she whipped chili out of her eyes. "Stupid Mary Sue!" said Seryna as she scooped chili out of her cleavage. "Detention" said Snape as he waved his wand to clean up the rest of the chili, without even looking up. That night at dinner, Lyna poked Mary Sue and asked, "Have you ever noticed Seryna eat anything?" "No, I don't think I have." Seryna was seated at the Slytherin table, looking prim, while sipping iced water. "I don't think I get it," continued Mary Sue. "I wonder if she's bulimic." "She can read minds?" "No," said Mary Sue. "She binges and purges." "On what?" "You mean to tell me you know everything but what Bulimia is?" "No," said Lyna uncomfortably. "I don't know everything." "It means you eat a whole bunch as fast as you can, and then either vomit it back up or use laxatives." "Laxatives?" "They make you poop fast." "Okay," said Lyna confused. "It's a really vicious cycle, a disease, really. Bulimic people can't eat around other people. They don't even know how to eat. They couldn't eat a single apple if they tried. A whole bushel of apples maybe but not a single one." "Where did you learn all this?" "Gym class." "Gym class?" Then Mary Sue realized that what Lyna really wanted to say was "I'm fucking home schooled!" "Let it be one of those things that you are glad you don't know about." Later on that evening, Mary Sue saw Seryna duck behind a bookshelf. She caught up with her and asked "Seryna, I'm worried, you have to tell me honestly-have you eaten anything today?" "I'm eating now!" said Seryna cheerfully. Mary Sue heard a mumble and then saw that there was someone else behind the bookshelf—a Slytherin third year. "O K." said Mary Sue, so she turned around and went back to studying. 


	5. Mary Sue serves detention

Ch. 5 detention Mary Sue fires a gun and flings a spork Snape offers extra-credit to a student. Mary Sue gives a bodily sign. Mary Sue and Harry have a deep, intense, life changing talk.  
  
At eleven O'clock, it was time for detention. Mary Sue went to the potions lab in the dungeon to find a six-year with glasses, bright green eyes and black hair already waiting there. Mary Sue was kind of shy. "Are you here to see your dad?" asked Harry Potter. "No, I'm here for detention." "Your dad gave you detention? He really is strict." "He's not my dad." "Oh, durrr, I should have known that. I of all people should have known that. That was really OOC for me. I guess the stress is really getting to me." "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes." "So then are you related to him at all?" "No. Not as far as I know. It could be possible, but I don't think it is. I'm from the U.S., if you can't tell from my accent." "So far it's been pretty obvious. Do you have arbitrary detentions in America to?" "No, in the states we pretty much get away with everything aside from killing each other." "That's nice. I'm here because I tried to defend myself against Draco again. I get nabbed every single time I stand up for myself. What are you here for?" "Chili." "See? Totally arbitrary. You know what arbitrary means, right?" "I'm not retarded." "Okay, Potter, please don't start any more fights, I don't want to spend any more time than I have to," said Snape as he came down the hallway. "Tonight we have to go and snake out the little emsees in the basement, they've run rampant again and are starting to terrorize the students, not to mention aggravate certain teachers. I made a special formula that will melt them instantly, and I put it into what muggles might call "Water guns." Here you go." He handed them the neon-shaded water pistols. Mary Sue smiled. "If these emsees weren't so tricky I might even go so far as to call this sort of work "fun," for you young people. If they get extremely vicious you can use sporks on their eyes." He then handed them silver sporks. "What are emsees?" asked Mary Sue. "Let's just say we used to call them "Mary Sues," until you came along and some teachers thought that might be a little to mean." "So what's a Mary Sue?" "You'll see. Give you gun a practice squirt." Mary Sue, Harry and Snape all tried to hit spots on the far side of the hallway, and then Snape lead them down into the lower depths of Hogwarts. "Tread quietly, we want to sneak up on them," instructed Snape, "They are right behind this door. Potter, I'm going to use you as bait. When I open the door, stand in plan view and say 'here I am' as loudly as you can." "Fine," said Harry. It was pretty obvious now as to why he was in detention. Snape opened the door. "Here I am!" said Harry with little enthusiasm. Out came the Sues. Some giggled and some screamed. Some had long blonde hair and some had black. Some had hair with strange coloring. They were all tall and svelte, and most were scantily clad. They all rushed for Harry and Snape. "Mary Sue, try to take the Sparkly-poo ones. Watch out for the bitchiwitches!" "Okay!" said Mary Sue, who really only had a vague idea as to what that was. "Oh Crap, Tootsitramp!" yelled Snape as one emcee made a lunge for his crotch. He quickly jabbed at her face with the Spork. "Ask about my tragic past!" squealed one with a large scar on her forehead. She tried to corner Harry. He squirted her and she started screaming "My face! Oh my beautiful face!" and then melted. Suddenly, Hermione came out of the room, looking confused. "Hermione?" asked Harry. "Want a date tonight?" she replied. "It's a Qanonreip!" yelled Snape. Mary Sue shot quick and aimed well. The emcee went down. The next thing she knew, they were standing in a large puddle of melted emcees, and Snape seemed all the happier for it. "Can I come down here and shoot emcees more often?" asked Harry of Snape. "It's nice to let off some steam." Snape thought about it for a few minutes, and then said, "I was planning on having Draco come down with me tomorrow night, he seems to get them pretty excited. If you really want to Harry, I suppose that perhaps you can make the formula yourself for extra- credit, and then if you and your friends can get Mr. Filch to supervise it." "What about if I came down with Hermione and Ron? They are prefects after all." "Talk to Filch about it. Sometimes these things can get legal. My offer will stand if you simply want to make the formula in the open lab, on your own time, and I'll lend you the ingredients after class tomorrow. God knows you need the extra credit." Harry sighed. "Now, I'm going to go talk to Mr. Filch about cleaning up this mess, you two are dismissed." Snape walked away. Mary Sue sat down for a minute. There was a weird rumbling in her tummy. Harry crouched down to see if she was all right. "Sometimes those Bitchiwitches can cast a spell and you won't even know it." He looked into her eyes. She looked into his. Suddenly. Mary Sue puked in his face. "Oh my God I am so sorry," "Don't worry about it," said Harry, "Let's just get you to the W.C." He picked up her arm, pulled it over his shoulder, grabbed her waist, and took her to the nearest ladies room, where he coaxed her to vomit the rest of the contents of her stomach. "It's best if you just let it go now," he said. "The spell's going to wear off in an hour. They're not as strong as they think they are." "Thanks," said Mary Sue. "Can I ask you something?" said Harry. "Of course," said Mary Sue, "BLAAAAAGH!" she puked again. This time she made it into the toilet. "Are you sure your name is Mary Sue?" "Positive." "And that is your name on the title page." "Yes. Mary Sue Snape and the Faullivander wand. That's me. I'm Mary Sue Snape. The story is about me." "I'm worried about you, Mary Sue. You aren't Mary Sue-ish enough." "I'm not good enough?" "No." "I suck at being me?" "Yes." "How do I suck?" "You're in Hufflepuff. Mary Sue's are never in Hufflepuff. You're eleven, and at this point in time most Mary Sue's transfer to Hogwarts. Your family background is boring. You're not pursuing me, Draco, Snape or Hermione. You don't excel at witchcraft. You're not excessively popular. You don't own trunks of frilly underwear. You're not sexually active. You don't have a tragic past. You're not even especially pretty or clever. And further more, you keep using spell check and proper grammar. You suck at being Mary Sue! I'm thinking about recommending that the title be changed to "Seryna Jizavore and the chalice of Senip," or "Lyna Lorna and the secret magical makeover book," unless you think of some way to be more like your namesake." "I hate my parents!" suggested Mary Sue. "My parents are dead. You have to be more sensitive." "Oh, God, I'm sorry. How about I try out for the quidditch team?" "Can you ride a broomstick?" "No, but I used to have a broomstick horse that I would ride around." "Were you good at it?" "Until I pooped on it and mom took it away from me I guess I was about as talented as one can get." "What?" said Harry Potter. Then he laughed. "Try it then, perhaps you'll actually be some sort of genius and then you'll win the cup for the Hufflepuff house or some such nonsense. And try to fall in love with somebody. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl." "Harry, I'm eleven. I only realized last year that cooties aren't really contagious." "Cooties aren't real. For such a doozy of a Mary Sue, you've got a lot of Sparkly-poo chutzpah in you." "I'm not a sparkly-poo! I don't know what I am, but I know I'm not that!" "Well, you're obviously not Tootsitramp. You don't have nearly enough spunk." "Please don't tell me I have to be a bitchiwitch. It sounds like so much work." "So far you haven't really been violating Canon laws at all, I don't know where else you would go." "But I'm not bitchy or goth enough to be a bitchiwitch!" "Some people consider it a great honor. It takes a real strength of mind to be a really good, truly interesting bitchiwitch. You're competing with a lot of good people, but I think that you can rise to the challenge. Mary Sue, you have to rise to the challenge. Seryna's a clear Tootsitramp and we may have a to go that route if the story doesn't get any stronger." "Do I stand any competition from Lyna?" "Yes, actually, she's an easy Qanonreip. We transfer her to Gryffindor, make up some incidents and suddenly she's Hermione's little sister, raised by Hermione's real family. Come on, Mary Sue, you know the drill." "You wouldn't. Lyna has the personality of a text book on cardboard." "I can't tell you have any better assets. At least Lyna's got book smarts." "That's just 'cuz she reads books and stuff." Harry glared at her. "You're right, you're right," said Mary Sue. "I'm going to try out for Quidditch tomorrow and if I don't get in," "Dye your clothes and hair black, develop an attitude." "Right, well, listen, this whole chapter's gone on for four pages now, so I think we'd better get back to our houses so that they can summarize the next chapter." "God, I hope there's no more explosions," commented Mary Sue as she headed up the stairs.  
  
Ch. 6 Of course there are more explosions. Mary Sue tries out for Quidditch, with sexy results. This time we really do find out what Seryna eats. Mary Sue actually does get a case of the cooties. Lyna/Snape pedophile hate-sex (unless the fans wants to see something else. I'm open to suggestions as to who should be with whom.) 


End file.
